Bad Ideas, Day 2: The Negative Ion Gun!

So, on a kick from my last posting, I'd like to continue the trend by offering another weird idea to the Wild Wild Webs as to how to unprovedly protect against/magnify the powers of ghostly happenings. Now, as far as my dumbed down version of the theory goes, paranormal activity is also accompanied by a positive ionic field of varying levels. Putting aside the very important point of whether "ionic fields" are actually bullsh-t or not,let's pretend that they aren't. According to current ionic theory, positive ions are, as they say in the academic community, "hella bad" for you, causing anything from general feelings of malaise and depression on up to suicidal ideation and actions or even death (though supposedly only in massive, theoretical or apocryphal amounts), while negative ions do good things, like lighten one's mood and sterilize the immediate environment. And while I could geek out and use positive ions as a link to the old tales of ghosts causing people to despair, age, or die due to "fright", that's not the point of this post. Let's talk tech-y (get it? Cause it's like "let's talk turkey", but with "tech-y"...fine, whatever).

My new idea kinda came to me as I was researching negative ion generators, with the intent of placing one in a hairdryer and using it as a "Negative Ion Projector", to counteract any dastardly positive ions I may come across during my adventures. Well, while I found negative ion schematics online, I also found that there is a thriving market on ionic hairdryers already...and I'm not too big a man to admit that finding this out sorta killed my enthusiasm to build one (as I said in the intro to this blog, I am a self-admitted hipster). So while I was closing all my open tabs in a positively forlorn manner, I found this little gem. I think that this picture could say more than I ever could...

On second thought, maybe not. Basically, this guy provided schematics to create a show-based static shocker to shock his friends. However, what I see is a personal negative ion field generator, and one that could be used as a potential shield against the negative effects of the potential positive ions associated with different forms of paranormal occurences...or maybe this is just me geeking out and trying to go all James Bond, Ghost Hunter. Of course, being that I have no real background in electronics, I have no idea what would happen if a positive ionic field happened to make contact with a negatively charged object like this, or if you'd even want to be in the same time zone when it happened...

 

EMF Theory, a.k.a. The Idiots Guide to Stun-Gunning a Ghost

So, I had a crazy idea today, and I wanted to share it with you, my steadfast readers. The basic theory is thus; supernatural activity is usually accompanied by EMF activity. That's the most basic summarization of one of the currently dominating theories in paranormal research, with some of the controversy cut out of the equation (some claim the phenomena observed are actually caused by the EMF fluctuations, but we'll leave the hypothesis at the more reasonable correlationary association). Anyways, EMF fluctuations/spikes/whatever are supposed to happen when things like poltergeist activities, apparitions, and phantom noises happen, so my question is what happens if you have an already existing EMF spike around when the fluctuations begin? Or also, if you let the fluctuations start, then trigger a massive spike?

Keeping in mind that I was a psych major that mostly kept to his own subject and gained most of his knowledge of physics from either a) Mythbusters, Bill Nye the Science Guy, or Mr Wizard, or b) listening to his physics-geek friends talk about "hypothetically awesome" tricks they should "totally pull sometime" while they were black-out hammered at a party (what can I say, U of A was a Party League school)...my idea is basically this: what if you trigger a stun gun before or during the phenomena? To be honest, because I don't have one, I couldn't say whether the stun gun would actually even cause an EMF spike, though my research into the topic (thanks Google) seems to indicate that it probably would (again, odd that there's no definitive answer to this). However, would a stun gun trigger an increase in noticeable phenomena? Would it cause any burgeoning phenomena to disperse? In my mind, I'd liken it to giving air to a candle, but whether it's enough air to cause the candle to blow brighter or to extinguish it entirely remains unsolved in my mind...you guys have any ideas?

Gear Up-Chinese Combat Shovel

I want to make it clear right now that I'm going to try my best, in this post as well as henceforth, to try to stay away from politics. That said, I really wish I could've bought USA-made and still gotten the quality for around the same price as I was able to, but even with a bit of searching, I couldn't so Ol' Big Red it was.

Anyways, combat shovel. You may be asking yourself, why? What possible purpose does a combat shovel have relative to the denizens of the unknown? Well, much like the body is the temple of the mind, the physical world still reigns king when it comes to considerations one should have when stalking around in the dark. And let me tell you, this thing can theoretically do all but vote in the primaries. Check this out...

So, we have the basic survival aspects of the investivgation pretty much all but covered with this thing. But what of the supernatural? Two specific attributes of this device come readily to mind; it has a hollow handle and it has a blade on one edge (albeit very dull). The hollow handle doesn't seem like much, but seriously, I'm finding that you can pack a-lot in there, with matches, fishing line, a small razor and a couple of nails. What I'd like to do is lose all that (well, maybe keep the matches), and toss in a small flashlight and flare. That covers the light angle, which seems to be a major component of the terror experienced while hunting about for bogeys. As well, using the shovel as a weapon, I think I'm going to go ahead and get at least the non-saw side coated in multiple places with different spiritually-significant metals, such as maybe one inch of the blade being silvered, another being cold-iron coated, another being meteoric-iron coated, and maybe the last inch being coppered. To be honest, I have no idea how I'd go about making this mega-weapon happen but...OOOOOH DAAAANG, just came up with it! Electroplating! Simple high school chemistry that's super easy to do, I'd just need to grab a couple of reagents and a decent battery and then wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, we're there.

Well, it looks like I've got a homework assignment. As soon as I've got the base ingredients to make the modifications to the weapon, I'll let you guys know how it goes, and maybe post a how-to.

Salaryman Blues

A bit of salt. Seems like an inconsequential thing, right? Well, sure, now it is. But once upon a time it was one of the most sought after seasoning you could care to name, and it's so primally wired into us that one of the basic taste receptors on the human tongue is dedicated to it. Also, according to many cultures, it is a powerful ward against magic and evil spirits. Let's break down why that may be, and what some "practical" (or as practical as you can get with ghost-hunting) uses may be.

So, even early on, salt had alot in the way of signifigance to civilization. We discovered that it was necessary for human survival and that salt in various applications sped up healing/purification processes, so that established it's symbolism as an element of life or vitality. But then again, it came primarily from the sea, establishing it's connection to that vast, primal power. Also needed for it's refinement (at least ast first) tended to be sunlight or flame, establishing it's covenant (yeah, I'm busting out some poetic license here, give me a break while I'm riffing :P) with those sources of life and energy. Also, it was used as one of the earliest forms of food preservative and...well, body preservative in fruneral rites, so that links it with death. It's also mentioned quite a bit in various religious texts and called for as a component of many of their common rituals, such as the sanctifying of holy water.

So we have alot of competing imagery, but one fact remains above all, that salt was/is an important substance. As far as it's usage in a spiritually protective substance sense, it supposed causes vampires to have to stop and count the number of grains dropped, and is also used to expel/create protective rings from demonic/ghostly entities. Depending on the sources, it can also drain/nullify minor magical effects or curses.

Okay then, end analysis time: what do I think? Well, I figure of all the good luck charms/things I could carry with me, a baggie of salt is not that bad an idea. It's cheap, and could potentially double as a low-tech form of mace. If I had my druthers, I'd probably use kosher salt evaporated out of holy water, or salt from the Dead Sea, but considering that I place it's actual usefulness fairly low on the "likely-o-meter", I can just head to Fred Meyer and pick up some regular kosher salt instead. Here's hoping I never get myself in a jam that actually requires it, though...

 

Das Bogey Bag

So, I'm at the part of the process now where I need to figure out what I need to pack, and this is where things start to get weird. Let's start with the recommended equipment, then I'll add my commentary as we go, and then fill in what I consider to be gaps in the list at the end.

1. Digital video recorder: this makes sense to me. No real issue with this.

2. Digital Still Camera: again, nothing too odd or silly about this.

3. Digital Image Editing Program: I sh-t you not, one of the lists online said this verbatim "sometimes by adjusting contrast, shadows and highlights or colors, you can find things in a photo you didn’t know were there." Yeah, no sh-t, Sherlock. Let me put it like my statistics professor did to me..."if you come into a situation with zero bias and look hard enough for results, you're virtually guaranteed to find some anomalous behavior that current data cannot explain. However, the replicability and significance of the findings will be questionable at best." Put into laymen's (my) terms, if you are open-minded to excess and scrutinize everything, then you'll always find something out of the ordinary, but you'll lose your perspective in the process and thereby lose your recognition of what qualifies as a "real finding". So yeah, it's a wonder that people don't take this area of inquiry more seriously, what with Pablo Picassh-le over here trying to find Jesus in every piece of toast they come across. 

4. 35mm FILM Camera: From the same source that gave me the quote above; "Experienced ghost hunters will tell you that a traditional 35mm camera, especially with black and white film often catches images that do not show up on even the best digital cameras." So you're saying that a different type of media (that commonly spits out artifacts such as "ghosts") that led to the creation of the digital standard (that's currently the vastly more prevalent one) is a good piece of equipment to double check your primary device? Does that sounds even a little bit questionable to anyone else?

5. Night Vision Equipment: I think this is useful...but not in the way the writer of this list intended. I think it's way more useful for the hunting of cryptozoological anomalies rather than spirits, but that's just my hunch.

6. Analog Tape Recorder: seriously, see my rant under 35mm above. I just don't think comparing apples to oranges is the way to do good science, especially when the apples are fifty years old.

7. Flash Lights: An unexpectedly pragmatic recommendation. Nice.

8. EMF Detector: for ghost-hunting parties, this is supposedly more useful than a flashlight. I think this'll just tell us when someone pops some Orville Redenbacher in the microwave, but they're cheap, so let's do it.

9. Compass: At first, I thought this was another amazingly practical recommendation, but it's intended as a backup to the EMF detector. Whatever, I have the feeling I'd use it more for it's original use.

10. GPS: This actually makes sense to me. You'd want an accurate estimation of -where- you were when ish went down, right?

11. Thermometers and Barometers: more actual measurement devices. Incredible!

12. Wind chimes: ? Seriously, they mean for this to be used like a sort of spectral equivalent of a piece of string and a tin can full of rocks...something tells me that if these things were stupid enough to fall for something that originated back with the "Little Rascals", then we wouldn't be trying so hard to capture definitive proof of their existence in modern times.

13. Infrared Thermal Scanner: Yeah, I see this as being useful, but again...if you take one of every measurement device out with you, then you're almost invariably going to trigger -something-, without having any way to replicate the experience or use it in any meaningful way to build a working hypothesis. It's not about the anomalies themselves, it's about constructing a parsimonious way to describe their occurrence and predict future occurrences.

14. Air Ion Counter: While the above point stands, this is something I feel like I'd carry more as an early warning system...I've heard reports that high concentrations of either one or the other type of ion can cause exceedingly powerful physical effects to manifest in humans, including things as drastic as suffocation, heart attacks, depression, and suicide ideation. Considering that particular places and (supposedly) powerful spirits can cause massive "fronts" of these ion clouds to occur, I'd want to know what the hell I'm walking into.

15. Walkie-Talkie: Totally covered on this one, I have like seven. Don't ask why...oh well, let's just say the college airsoft fights were much more intense that you can probably imagine.

Now that's a good list of measurement devices, but I feel that there's something lacking in the practicality department. Call me paranoid, but I worry more about how to defend myself, from both dangers physical and spectral. Here's what I'd want to pack as extras.

Camping gear-Seriously, let's talk basics people. What about the comfort on these overnight trips? What about taking more than one night to take our observations? If that's what's happening, then a tent/sleeping bag/first aid kit/etc. seem to be the order of the night.

Lighter-Mostly in the same line of logic as the camping gear, but also because fire is one of those primal elements that seem to occur repeatedly in many different stories involving the supernatural.

Combat shovel-Coming back to practical concerns, a multitool seems like a must. And regardless of whether it has any efficacy outside of the veil of tears we mortals are confined to, I'd like to have a multitool that also doubles as a weapon in case I meet something larger than I who decides it has taken issue with the particular ironic shirt I am wearing.

Air horn-I see this as being useful for both signaling others on the team, but also to disrupt "things". Mostly to scare off animals, but from what I've heard, loud noises can also serve to drive off malign spiritual entities as well, though in most of those stories it's debatable whether the noise drove them off or some religious/ancestral connection (i.e. church bells, heirloom drum, etc.). Either way, I'm the kind of guy who can't see how keeping an air horn on me could be a -bad- idea.

Notebook-Well, I feel like keeping a lab notebook of observations is simply part and parcel of good science.

Holy water/cold iron/salt/religious symbols/etc.-now this is where I get a little confused. See, I'd like to have something that (even if it's only on a superstitious level) can give me an "edge" against the things that go ba-donk-a-donk in the night. However, most of these supposed talismans seem to require a level of requisite belief in their efficacy or their constituent religions. Meh, I dunno...I guess I'll need to just hope that I either find God quickly or that the things that I'd need to use a cross on won't find me.